Building Mommy Muscles

Seasons

2011-10-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am wiping the tears from my eyes right now after rocking my not-so-baby boy to sleep.

He's never been much of one for falling asleep without a fight, and today was no exception. Most days he'll settle down after fussing for a bit. Today, he didn't seem to be settling.

I went into his room with the intention of handing him his "suck-suck" and covering him up. Sometimes I just have to remind him that it's night-night time.

But when I walked in, I couldn't help myself. I miss rocking him. We spent hours and hours in that rocking chair for the first year of his life, nursing and rocking to sleep for every nap and night time and in the middle of the night.

So I picked him up and we rocked. He feels so different in my arms now. He is such a big boy. He fell right to sleep, but I just held him and cried.

He's growing up.

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My big girl will be turning 11 in a few weeks. 11. That's only two years away from 13. That's only 7 years away from 18.

We were looking through pictures of her the other day. She was so big when we got her, or so we thought, at eight years old. Now we see her pictures and say, "Look at what a baby you were!" So precious, with her round, chubby cheeks, missing teeth, and pigtails.

We used to rock her to sleep too. So big in our arms, but yet such a baby.

She's getting so smart. She's getting so witty. Some days I look at her and she looks like a grown-up.

She's growing up. Way too fast.

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We have a foster baby right now. We've had her for two months. When when picked her up at the hospital, she weighed only 4 pounds, 6 ounces.

Now she's over 10 pounds.

She smiles and laughs and coos and holds her head up. She snuggles up close and I love to feel her warm breath on my neck while she sleeps.

She may be leaving soon. We don't know yet. I don't want her to leave and I'm praying that she won't.

She's growing up, and the reality is that I may not get to see it.

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Lately, my husband and I have reminded ourselves that this toddler/newborn stage is just a season. Soon enough, we will get to sleep all night long and our children will be able to wipe their own booties and noses.

Just a few minutes ago, while rocking my boy, I was heartbroken at the all-too-obvious fact that this rocking, this toddler, this baby girl, this big girl, being here in our home -- this too is just a season.

I will always be a mother, yes. But I will not always have little feet and hands and dirty mouths and sweet kisses surrounding me all day long. All too soon our home will be full of beautiful teenagers, and then emptied again.

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Yes, this is a lesson on marriage, on why it is so important to keep that flame burning. Because in the end, he's my mate, my companion, my best friend.

But it's also a sobering reminder to cherish the moments, soak them in. Take that extra time to rock the babies. Spend some time snuggling my big girl and telling her how precious she is. Because soon enough, they will be gone.

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I've been working through surrender, knowing that our baby girl may leave. And in working through that open-hand living, God has placed another heavy realization on my heart. My baby girl may be leaving in a few months. But any one of my children could leave. Something horrible could happen and they could be gone forever. Or something wonderful could happen and they could move across the world and be gone. There are no promises of forever in parenthood, except for forever-love.

So I'm going to love my baby girl today as if she were my own. And I will love my toddler boy today the very best I can as if he were my own. I will love my big girl to the end of the earth and back, as if she were my own. I will love my husband today and relish in his love as if he were my own.

But I must - MUST - remember that none of these precious ones is mine. They are all His. His to lead, his to direct, his to love. I am gifted with a short time to love them; He will love them forever.

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And finally, I am reminded of the first few weeks our tiny baby girl was here. God spoke to me concerning her Jeremiah 31 and told me that He loves her with an "everlasting love."

He has loved all of my people with an everlasting love. I can live with open hands, open arms, and an open heart. I can cherish the precious moments. I can look forward to the future. I can live in reality about the future. I can know that the future may not look how I want it to look.

But I don't have to worry. Because the everlasting love follows my people wherever they go.

Jobs

2011-05-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any other stay at home mothers deal with this, but sometimes I get career envy.

I think about all the adventurous, exciting careers that friends have and wonder if maybe, just maybe, I should do something adventurous too.

I have these crazy daydreams where I have a high-paced job, changing the world with my every move. Catching sweet babies as a midwife, finding adoptive parents for children, teaching classes at a college, driving through African villages, saving kids from impending doom...

Am I alone in this?

Man, some days those jobs (and so many others) sound really exciting. Maybe I should get my master's degree. Maybe I should become a doula. Maybe I should teach some classes at an after school program. Maybe, just maybe, I could change the world too.

And the Lord whispers gently in my ear.

Jennifer, you already have a fast-paced, adventure filled, world-changing job.

You have been given the incredible calling of molding, shaping, training, and praying over two future world changers day after day.

You have the job of daily speaking hope and healing into a person who could potentially break a cycle of needless dysfunction and bring peace and grace into a family line that has been controlled by the enemy for too long.

You have the opportunity to raise up a godly man who will potentially lead hundreds of people to freedom in Jesus.

You have the joy and incredible calling of supporting a man who spends his days sacrificing for children in underprivileged, dysfunctional families and who lives to love you.

You have the opportunity to see those around you who are desparate and hurting and in incredible need of HOPE.

You, my dear, have the most beautiful and important job in the world.

Honestly, last night at 3:00 in the morning when my son was screaming his head off for an unknown reason and today when my conversation was interrupted 5,834 times by silly questions or when I have to change an incredible stinky diaper right in the middle of something important or when I have two million dirty dishes that smell like poo sitting in my sink -- well, quite honestly, my job doesn't seem so exciting or adventurous or world-changing.

But it is. And that's the beauty. In the mess -- in the crazy, hectic, mundane, smelly parts of my life, the radiance and grace of Jesus shines in and reminds me that this, these dishes, this baby, this girl, this man -- this is my calling. This is my career.

And it is the most important, most wonderful, most rewarding job in the world.

Can't Quit Now

2011-04-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. When my husband got home from work, I went to him in tears. What's wrong? I quit. You can't quit. What can I do to help you? Help me pack. A sick baby, a 10 year old who has been making some nutty decisions, and a new four legged friend equal a tough day. A few days ago someone said to me, "I don't know how you do it all." Are you kidding me? Do it all? Have you seen my house lately? Have you heard about my many unfinished projects? I don't do it all. Some days I barely get the kids fed. I am not Superwoman, people. I'm not Supermom either. I am a 25 year old girl who has no idea how to be a mother. I jumped into motherhood with both feet, with an 8 year old who I had never met, and haven't had a chance to look back. Even with all this, we are being called to more children. MORE???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. I have lots of weakness. So I don't pack. I got up this morning, believing for a better day, thankful for a do over. May His grace be sufficient for you today.

Keep on Learning

2011-02-20T20:02:00.000-08:00

I made some New Year's Resolutions this year. I decided if God was good enough to give me a fresh start, I might as well take advantage of it and resolve some things.

I have been sobered lately by the knowledge that if I want my children to be life-long learners, I need to be one myself.

So I resolved to read 12 biographies this year, about all kinds of people.

My first was Bonhoeffer, who I blogged about before.

Have you ever read a book and gotten your life and mind and heart so entirely wrapped up it in that you just want to cry when it ends?

Granted, this story has a sad ending (but not really when you picture Bonhoeffer standing before Jesus), but I just really wanted to cry when it was over.

Bonhoeffer and I had become such good friends. He went with me to Joy's classes, he kept me company during nap time, he rocked me to sleep at night. He was my constant companion for a month and a half.

And can I just say, as silly as it may seem, I MISS HIM!!!

My husband, upon hearing of my sadness, suggested that I read it again. But I know I can't do that. Not right now. I have to move on.

So this week I will start a new biography. I have no idea who I should read about... any suggestions?

Things You Should Never Say to a Mother

2011-02-19T17:48:00.001-08:00

Apparently, people have no common sense.

Seriously.

There are just some things you should never, ever say to a mother. But people say them. To me, at least.

So please, people, listen up and take note.

Things You Should Never Say to a Mother:

1. You look tired.
Thanks for pointing that one out. Never mind the fact that I spent more time getting ready this morning than I have for the past two weeks. Yes, I am tired. No, my eight month old doesn't sleep through the night. Yes, I've been sorta under the weather for a week and am really not feeling very good today. So thank you so much for the encouraging words. I'll work on that.

2. Don't worry; those extra pounds will come off eventually!
Wow. Yes, I am aware that I am considerably heavier now than I was pre-pregnancy. I did gain a lot of weight while pregnant (earning me the title of woman with the biggest pregnancy belly in the history of the world, apparently). Yes, I'm nursing. But no, I'm not one of the lucky ones whose weight just falls right off afterward. Hmmm...maybe it's the brownies that I have to eat to nurse the wound that comes from your comments!

3. After hearing that we have chosen to homeschool our daughter: Why in the world would you do that?
Do you really want me to go into that? Here? Now? Is it not enough that we obviously believed it would be the best thing for her? Or maybe I should just start acting like some crazy cat lady who won't let her children get out of the house or speak to other children...yeah, that might be fun.

4. Do you work or are you just a mom?
I wake up and feed the baby at least once, somtimes three times in the middle of the night. I prepare lesson plans for my daughter. I do the dishes. I do the laundry. I cook three meals a day. I do all of the grocery shopping. I clean up. I wipe a baby's butt all day long. I teach math, English, history, science, music, home-ec, Bible, and common sense. I read stories. I kiss boo-boos. I discipline. I play outside when I really don't feel like it. I also type for a court reporting firm in my spare time. I vaccuum. I sweep. I make phone calls. I answer emails. I clean toilets. I tuck children in to bed. I care for sick people...but no, I don't work at all. Just a mom.

5. You don't look old enough to have a 10 year old.
Well, I am really so incredibly sorry that you feel this way. I do have a 10 year old, whether I look old enough or not. I'm sure she loves to hear that her mom doesn't look old enough to be her mom. (Although the alternative, "You look too old" may be worse).

So please, America. Use some sense. Think before you speak.

(And please take the sarcasm with a grain of salt. Thanks!)

NOT MY KID!

2011-02-09T06:25:00.000-08:00

Last night, after a fairly lengthy stay in the bathroom (which is actually quite normal around here - God has given me a child that daily teaches me that I need to SLOW DOWN and CHILL OUT!), Joy exits the restroom and comes to stand in from of her father and I.

I have a big bottom.

What in the world? Is that what she was doing in the bathroom all this time? Looking at her butt?

And since when do 10 year olds even think about butt size? Seriously?

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Who told you that?

Sally Ann (name changed to protect the guilty, of course).

OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Jesus, you better remind me of my commitment to non-violence, FAST, before I track this kid down and wring her neck -- in the most loving manner possible, of course.

I know, I know. Kids will be kids. But not to my kid!

I take great lengths to build her self-confidence and protect her from these kinds of things. For crying out loud, the kid is homeschooled and I pretty much hand-pick her friends. She's going to have to deal with enough issues in her future that I don't want her to be bullied now.

Her dad and I quickly reassured her that no, her butt is just perfect. I also provided some solace in the fact that big butts are actually desireable because they look really good in jeans, using my own rear as an example.

But seriously? This is the same kid that told her a few months ago that her teeth are crooked. Well, duh. Of course they are. But do you really need to point that out? After hearing that, she proceded to make a video on my phone all about how horrible and ugly her teeth are. After which, of course, I assured her that her teeth are perfectly fine because they do their job
- chew - and that she will get braces soon enough.

Can we say, "Not playing with her anymore?"

Anyway, I don't know that there's really a point to this post except to say how angry it makes me to hear that someone has said something like that to my little girl. She should not have to be worrying about her body at age 10.

So parents, teach your kids that words hurt. Because they hurt my little girl.

Bonhoeffer and Germany...and us

2011-01-13T08:26:00.000-08:00

I have been reading Bonhoeffer's biography over the last few weeks.

I have also been studying the civil rights movement in honor of MLK day.

My heart breaks when I think about the countless times in human history that human beings have treated fellow human beings with such hatred.

How do we get to the point where a human life is less important than our country, or our power, or our fame, or our self assurance?

Yet it has happened over, and over, and over.

Do you realize how EASY it was for Hitler to convince the entire nation of Germany that the Jews were less than deserving of life? He caused them all to believe that this one people group was to blame for all of their trouble. Get rid of them, life will be good.

And the civil rights movement. How can a minister participate in the KKK and never see a conflict of interest there?

Jesus, help us.

And on the story goes. Over and over and over. South Africa. Rwanda. The Japanese in America. The Catholics and the Protestants. The Christians and the Muslims.

Who are the people that are being ostracized in our world today? Who are the people that are being blamed for the problems of the world? Who are the people who are seen as less than worthy of life?

May the church's eyes be opened and may we value ALL human life as worthy and precious. May we stand for the truth that ALL men were created in the image of God. And may we stand for the trampled upon, whomever they may be.

On Missing My Pappa

2011-01-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

It's been eight years since my beloved grandpa, Pappa, left this world.

Eight years.

Every year we remember him. My sweet grandmother mourns his death, year after year. On the anniversary of his death, she listens to his favorite music. She reads the cards people sent after his death. She visits the cemetery.

She remembers.

And I'm struck by the pain of mourning your spouse. I'm broken by the thought of losing the love of your life after living with them for 50+ years.

How does she go on?

Where he once sat, now sits an empty chair. Where he once slept, now lies a made bed. The clothes he once wore hang clean in the closet. The bathroom he once used is always clean. The plate he once ate off of sits in the cabinet.

(Well, that is until we all come over and she cooks us yummy food and we all play around and probably trash her house...)

How do you live with an empty chair?

I don't know how she does it.

Today I am reminded to be thankful for dirty dishes, laundry on the floor, empty toilet paper rolls, and unmade beds.

These things represent life.

And I am so thankful for the life of my Pappa. I am thankful that he is whole in the arms of Jesus.

And I am amazed at the strength of my Mamma. She goes on, day after day. With joy. But still, she remembers. She mourns.

And so do I.

It's been awhile...

2011-01-07T18:42:00.001-08:00

Yes, we're still alive... What to write about the last few months???

We're growing. We're learning. We're stretching. We're seeking. We're yearing. We're hungry. We're pressing in to Jesus.

I love these children. Our little Joy isn't so little anymore. Over the last few months she has really grown up a lot, both physically (she's soooo tall!!!) and emotionally. She is looking and acting like a young lady now (does it make me sound old to talk like that?). Part of me is mourning that, because I so long to have more time with her little. Two years is just not enough, ya know? She's still precious and I am so very proud of her and who she is becoming, and overjoyed to see her growing, learning, and maturing. I assume all parents deal with such things as their children grow. Maybe we just feel it more accutely because we've had such a short time with her up to this point. Yes, she's only 10 and yes, she has a long way to grow. But she has officially entered that "tween" stage. She's so beautiful and fun and funny!

Our little man is growing too. He already has 6 teeth. He rolls over, sits up, babbles, laughs, fake coughs, eats big boy food and generally takes joy with him everywhere he goes. His sister is so in love with him, and I think I can safely say the feeling is mutual.

I am so blessed to be homeschooling Joy. It gives us time together to grow closer and really get to know one another, and it also gives time for the kids to play and laugh and generally have fun. Yes, they play together. A lot. Nevermind the 10 year age gap.

We have been in a transitional place for awhile now in so many ways. I feel that we have finally, FINALLY settled some things down. We are a part of a new church family where we are really feeling we will be able to plant roots and settle down. The adoption is finalized, the baby is here, homeschooling is going well (on most days anyway). Of course, every time we feel life settling down, we have a surprise. We'll see!!!

Question

2010-09-06T19:37:00.001-07:00

Where is God not?

Sowing and Reaping

2010-08-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Sara Groves' song, "Generations" is ringing true in my head today.

I've loved this song since I was very young. But now that I have children, I understand it.

"Remind me of this with every decision - Generations will reap what I sow"

Every decision I make affects not only me, but my children. And my children's children. And my children's children's children.

I think of the father who beat his son, who beat his son, who beat his son. And it goes on and on. And to break the chain of destruction is a task almost too great for one person.

I think of my own dad, who has broken a chain of dysfunction in his own family line (Thanks be to God). And trust me, it wasn't without pain.

And then I think of the mother who is on her knees for her children day and night. And her children on their knees, and their children on their knees.

"I can pass on a curse or a blessing to those I will never know."

What am I sowing today? What will my children reap?

"To my great, great, great granddaughter - live in peace. To my great, great, great grandson - live in peace."

Adoption Fundraiser

2010-08-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

I know that adoption can be a very expensive event for many families.

It wasn't for us, because we adopted through the foster care system. In fact, we didn't have to pay a penny. The state actually pays us every month for adopting our daugther.

But that is beside the point. The fact is, there are millions of kids around the world that need families and homes to live in. And there are lots of families that are working their butts off to earn the money to get their kids home.

I recently became a Scentsy Independent Consultant. We have the opportunity to provide fundraisers for any cause.

I would love, love, LOVE to host adoption fundraisers for families who are working to bring their kid or kids home.

If you know of anyone who might be interested in this, please let me know. It would be an honor to work with another adoptive family in this way...and I would willingly and JOYFULLY donate my full commission from the fundraiser to the family.

If you may be interested (or know someone else who may be), but don't know what Scentsy is, you can check out my website: jennporter.scentsy.us

If you're interested, leave a comment or email me. jenkporter AT gmail DOT com

Forgetting what is behind, striving toward what is ahead

2010-08-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's been awhile. The last month has been the most exhausting, wonderful month of my life.

There are times when I almost forget Joy's past. It's like it's in my distant memory, but not in the front of my mind. It seems like she's always been with us and has always had a happy, healthy life where she is safe.

But then, right when I get to that forgetting point, she'll say something that shocks me back into reality.

Like tonight, she was playing with her daddy. She said, "I'm Mr. Police."

Innocent 9 year old fun, right?

But then the next line comes out of her mouth: "And I'm going to search you for weed."

God, I pray that you will continue to remind me that this little girl needs healing that only you can provide, and stir my heart to intercede continuously on her behalf.

Hello??

2010-07-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

Since the baby has been born I have had so many people say to me, "Oh, you're a mommy now!"

And on father's day, people commented to Russell, "Awwww, it's your first father's day."

Ummmm...hello people?!

We've had a daughter for a year and a half.

You know, that short person that follows us around everywhere? The one that we feed, clothe, and tuck in at night? The one that lives in our house, has her own room...the one whose laundry is in the dryer right now?

Yeah, her. Our DAUGHTER.

I've been a mom for some time now. Thanks for noticing.

Precious Sisters

2010-07-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

My friend, Sarah, posted a sweet blog about our amazing group of friends.

Love you, Sarah!!

sarahchisolmmiller.blogspot.com

Baby Thoughts

2010-07-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Our little man got circumcised tonight. Because he wasn't born in the hospital, we had to schedule it a little later than is typically done these days. Babies' blood begins to clot on their 7th day of life, so it is typically recommended that baby boys are circumcised after their seventh day of life. So that's what we did.

We had a rabbi (mohel) do his circumcision. From what we had heard and read, it seemed that the procedure done by this particular rabbi would be the quickest and easiest for our little man. It was extremely quick...but it wasn't easy, especially for me. Being a mom is hard on the heart.

While with the rabbi, I asked him if he did circumcisions all the time. He said no, he works with teenagers. He said the circumcisions pay the bills.

And then he did something that really struck me.

"When I work with the teenagers, I'm not circumcising them physically. I'm circumcising their hearts."

We didn't circumcise for religious reasons. But this statement is ringing in my mind. I understand, at least to some extend, the symbol of circumcision in Jewish life. It sets the Jewish people apart for their God...and serves as a reminder of their covenant with Him.

But what value is physical circumcision if the heart of the man isn't also circumcised before the Lord?

I pray that my children will not only wear the physical signs of their faith in their outward appearance...in the words they say and the things they do. I pray that their hearts would be completely set apart before the Lord.

Circumcise the hearts of my children, Father.

Midwifery

2010-06-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have become extremely passionate about birth over the past few months.

Today we went for Josiah's two week visit with our midwife, Ann Crowell. It was awesome. You would have thought, by the way Ann loved on our little man, that Josiah was the first baby she had ever seen. She held him, cuddled him, and walked him around the office, showing him off to everyone.

She was the same way at his birth. When he was born, she went on and on about how precious and perfect he was. I was amazed that a woman who delivers babies for a living could be so enthusiastic about my baby. I wondered if she acted that way about every baby...or if ours was just exceptionally precious. (And although I would like to think it is the latter, my assumption is that she is this way towards all of the babies she delivers).

I have been so thankful every day since Josiah's birth that we made the decision (even though it was late in the game) to switch to midwifery care. I felt so much control over the entire birth. Every decision that was made was my decision. I was given options. I was given as much time as I needed to birth my baby. And yet, I was extremely confident in the ability of the midwives to care for me and Josiah in the case of complications.

From the beginning, Russell and I were given control over the care of our son. We were expected to diaper and dress our boy from the beginning. We gave him his first bath. Russell weighed him at the birth. Russell also caught Josiah as he was being born and cut his cord (after it had stopped pulsing). Never once did I feel out of control. Never once did I feel that I was just another woman delivering a baby. Never once did I feel pressure to make progress more quickly or make my body do something it wasn't doing naturally. Never once did I feel like Josiah's birth was a medical procedure. Never once did I feel afraid for Josiah's safety, or that of my own.

Josiah had a gentle birth. He was immediately placed into my arms and was not taken from me. When the few medical things had to be done, I was sitting right next to him, watching every step. Even when his breathing was a little raspy, Ann had me hold him while she suctioned his nose and mouth. It was very apparent from the beginning that I was his mother and I was in charge of him. Sure, they did the medical things that needed to be done. But he was mine and there was no question about that.

Today at our appointment I mentioned something about the "baby blues" and how I haven't felt them at all. I am so in love with this little person. Even when he is screaming his lungs out, I am in love. Head over heels.

Ann told me that she would estimate that 99% of her mothers never experience any form of postpartum depression. She said that the ones that do are generally women who try to do too much, too soon after the birth. She believes that the reason her mothers are so happy is that they are in control of the birth process and are never separated from their baby. I believe she is right.

I am so, so thankful for the midwives that assisted in my son's birth and the birth center at which he was born (gentlebeginningsbc.com). I am also thankful for the kind doctor who was "on call" during Josiah's birth, just in case we needed him.

I am becoming so passionate about midwives because of our experience.

Blessing

2010-06-28T11:13:00.001-07:00

Russell and I have been trying to bless God throughout the day lately. When we think of it, we bless Him for anything and everything.

Right now, my blessing for Him is this:

Blessed are you, Lord, King of everything, for creating the person who invented the baby swing.

Playing Games

2010-06-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

Throughout Josiah's pregnancy and since his birth, Joy has said to me several times, "I wish you had had me when I was a baby."

We've talked about how when she was a baby, her dad and I weren't ready to be parents yet, but that God knew when we would be ready and he brought her to us then.

But then yesterday I decided to try something.

We were talking about what would happen if we forgot the baby at home when we were going somewhere (which, of course, we would never do).

I told her, "But don't you know that when you were a baby we never forgot to get you?"

She looked at me kind of funny and said, "You didn't know me when I was a baby." I told her, "I know, but we can pretend like I did."

She didn't really react at all.

I think I'm going to keep doing it. I'm going to imagine moments with her as a baby and tell her about them. She may think it's weird, but I think it will be fun. She doesn't have anyone to tell her about when she was a baby.

A Birth Story

2010-06-21T19:06:00.001-07:00

June 12, 2010 - Two days before our due date.

I woke up at 4:30 to a pretty strong contraction. Because I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions pretty consistently for awhile, I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. Anyway, in all of the pregnancy books it says the best thing to do in early labor is to sleep and preserve energy. So I went to the restroom and went back to bed.

At 5:30 I woke again to another strong contraction. I laid there for awhile and recognized that I was having a lot of contractions and that they were close together. I had been told that the real thing would feel "different" than the Braxton Hicks. These felt different.

I could only lay there for so long. My heart was pounding. I was excited and nervous. I knew this would be the day when we would see our little man. I also knew that I had a long, hard day ahead of me. I got up and went into the living room, found an online contraction timer, and began timing my contractions. They were 5 minutes apart.

About an hour or so later I decided to wake Russell up. I tried once to tell him that I was having contractions and I guess it didn't register with him. He rolled over and kept sleeping. A little while later I went back in there and told him again and he jumped right out of bed! He came into the living room with me and timed my contractions. I was right, they were close together and they were about a minute long...and getting stronger. We waited awhile and then called my mom to see if she would keep Joy for the day. The three of us piled in the car around 9 and met Gran. We told Joy her brother would probably be arriving today.

We got home and tried to relax and watch a movie. I also tried to take a nap, but couldn't because I was so excited (oh, and having contractions). We had already called the doula and told her what was going on. She asked if my water had broken...no. Any other signs of labor? No, but I'm sure this is it.

Several hours later, contractions are getting closer together and stronger. We decided it was time to call our midwife, because it was becoming difficult for me to talk during a contraction. She told us to take a walk and call her back.

We walked to the end of the street, stopping every three minutes for a contraction. I couldn't walk any farther so we came back and called her again. Russell told her I was lying in the floor and moaning during contractions.

We called our doula back and she headed to the house. When she arrived, she found me on my knees bent over a footstool during contractions. Between contractions I was able to converse and laugh, but during them I had to stop and focus on breathing. She said she had never seen anyone laughing between contractions that were that intense and close together. Russell tried to tell her that's just my personality!! She thought we should wait it out at home a little longer, but after two or three contractions she realized we needed to get to the birth center.

The ride to the birth center was...interesting. I was on my knees in the backseat, facing the back window with my head buried in a pillow. Thankfully, the ride is quite short!

When we arrived, the hot tub was on and waiting for me. The midwife checked me and I was at a 4. My sense of time stopped when we arrived at the birth center. I believe it was around 2 when we got there. I labored for awhile on my knees, on my side, and on the toilet. They asked if I wanted to get in the tub, and while I did I knew from my research that it would be better to wait until the contractions were stronger.

After awhile I did get in the tub. My precious husband got in with me. He was the true hero of the day, pushing hard on my back every 2 minutes for 10 hours straight. The birth tub was amazing. I still felt the intensity of the contractions, but the water helped a lot. They also turned the jets on and the noise was very soothing to me.

We labored in the tub for hours. And hours. And hours. Russell sat in there with me the whole entire time, listening to me moan and letting me colapse into his arms. He whispered words to me about my ability to birth our baby. I felt his support and belief in me the whole time.

At some point it felt like my mind left my body. I could still feel the intensity, but my mind was not really involved anymore. My body did what it needed to do, and as long as I was willing to surrender I could handle it. Russell says he could tell when my mind "left" him. I stopped talking and answering questions. I did what I needed to do and that was all I could handle.

We spent a long time in this state. A long, long time. I remember at one point looking at the window and realizing that there was no light coming through the blinds anymore. I couldn't have told you if we had been there for 30 minutes or three days, but I do remember noticing the lack of light.

At the point where my contractions felt as though they were almost unbearable, the midwife checked me. I was at an 8. We walked around a little bit and labored in the tub awhile longer.

The next time she checked me I was at a nine and she told me that I could continue in the tub or get out and she could help speed up the process.

Throughout all of this my water stayed intact. She asked if I wanted her to break to water and I somehow managed to mumble, "Yes." She did, and it was only a short while after this that my body and the midwife told me to start pushing.

From everything I had read, I really expecting the pushing stage to feel like a relief, like finally something is happening. It did not feel like a relief to me. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. My mind still felt so far away from my body through the whole thing.

During each contraction, I would push as hard as I could and then my body would take over and I would feel myself push harder and stronger than I knew was humanly possible. I did nothing to make those pushes happen. My body did it on its own. It was incredible.

While pushing, our baby's heartrate dropped. Although it's normal for babies' heartrates to drop during contractions, our little guy's heartrate wasn't getting back to where it should be between the contractions. Everyone was telling me to breathe deeply. I could hear his precious heartbeat slow down, and then as I took deep breaths it sped up to where it should be. They put oxygen on me to help his heart and to help me breathe.

Finally they told me he was coming. I could feel it. There are no words to describe the feeling. They told me to reach down and feel his head. Again, there are no words to describe what I felt. I was so exhausted, beyond anything I have ever felt before.

I heard our midwife say, "We call this baby forth in the name of Jesus." I can't really remember anything else anyone said, but those words are forever etched in my mind. It was Jesus who got me to the point of pushing, and it was Jesus who gave me and my baby the strength to bring him into the world.

Our midwife told Russell to come catch his baby boy. I could feel his body slide out. Honestly, I thought he was all the way out, and then they told me to push again. I thought for sure he was out, but then they told me to push again.

Finally, we heard his cry. Oh, what a holy, beautiful sound. They placed my sweet baby on my chest and all of a sudden my strength and energy returned. I had my baby. He was perfect. Absolutely, one hundred percent perfect. He was also extremely alert, and has been since his birth. There are no words to describe the intense emotion I felt as I touched my sweet baby for the first time. His cry was the most precious sound I have ever heard. He was born at 10:40 p.m.

The rest of the evening feels like a blur. I had to get a few stitches, because our little man decided it would be fun to be born with a hand by his face. After getting stitched up, Joy came in to meet her baby brother for the first time. She came in the birthing room and our family of four curled up in the bed for a few minutes.

Russell and Joy took baby out to meet the rest of the family while I went and got in the herbal bath that had been prepared for us.

It was at this moment that the sacredness of what had just happened fell over me. I asked for a few minutes alone and I sat in the tub, cried, and thanked Jesus over and over for what he had accomplished and for the incredible blessing he had just given me.

Soon, they brought my little boy to me and we took a bath together. Russell washed his hair and we just stared at his precious little body and were amazed at the graciousness of our Lord.

After the bath, Russell and I enjoyed our "breakfast" (IHOP) while baby boy was weighed and checked. We were shocked to hear that he weighed 9 lbs, 2 ounces. What a chunk!!

A few hours later, after resting for awhile, we decided to head home. It was 3:45 in the morning.

We have been enjoying our time together since then and are still in awe that we have been looked upon with such favor to have two beautiful children placed into our arms. I told Russell that even up until the point that I was in labor, I doubted that I would ever hold that baby in my arms. I remember back over the past nine months, through the terror of thinking that we had lost him because of the blood clot, and through the worry and fear that I struggled with the entire time. I recognize the faithfulness of the Lord even through my fear and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that this little man has been created for the glory of the Lord.

Welcome to the world, Josiah Wesley. We hope that you will live up to your name, Josiah, which means the fire of the Lord. We pray that his fire will burn in your heart all the days of your life, and that you will live with reckless abandon in his grace along with the great Christians of the past, including John Wesley for whom you are named.

We bless you, Father, for the gift of life and for our son. We pray that his life would bring you and your name glory.

Update

2010-06-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

We're still fighting the Texas heat down here, but things are good.

Joy is enjoying her summer break...although she has been somewhat bored. Right now she's riding her bike up and down our street.

Baby boy is still comfy in the womb. We had an appointment this morning and everything looks good...just waiting for him to get motivated to come.

And our friends' (theotherbabymoses.blogspot.com) baby, Henry, got taken off of his CPAP machine today and is breathing great!! So happy for them and, of course, for him.

So all in all, today is a good day. I even got the hubs to play some Rummikub with me today and I actually won a round!

Texas Heat

2010-06-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

Whew! It is so hot!

I am wimp when it comes to heat during a normal Texas summer.

But I now have 40 extra, sweaty pounds. Yes, I said 40. Don't judge me.

I don't know if you've ever seen a nine-month pregnant lady with giant purple stretch marks all over her belly in a bikini, but if this baby doesn't get here soon that might be just what the neighbors start seeing!!! I'll just sit out there in the sprinkler.

In all reality, I'm feeling really good. The baby has dropped and his head is in position as of Wednesday. I'm having pretty regular Braxton Hicks contractions...just ready for them to turn into the real thing (I know, I'll be eating those words soon!).

The nesting phase has begun, although I think I would be a better nester if it weren't so hot! Baby's bed is made though, his nursery is put together, diapers are out, hall cabinet cleaned out, dishes done (again), laundry done (again and again and again), bathroom scrubbed, birth center bag packed, directions to the birth center written down for family members, car seat in the car, postpartum grocery shopping list made (for anyone who says they "want to help"!), camera batteries charged...

His big sister says every night, "I hope he comes tomorrow." She's pretty excited.

I know it's going to be hard having a little baby in the house, but I am so ready to see his face and kiss his cheeks and hold him close.

Today would be good.

Baby Henry

2010-06-04T14:52:00.001-07:00

Our sweet friends delivered their sweet baby boy five days ago at 30 weeks. He weighed in at a whopping 1 lb, 15 ounces.

He's doing awesome but please keep him and your parents in your prayers!

You can read updates on him at: theotherbabymoses.blogspot.com

stranded

2010-05-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

38 weeks and stranded on the side of the road. Not a good combo.

Yes, the transmission that we just paid big bucks to get fixed went out on Joy and I today.

And yes, the hubby was on a band trip with all of his kids...and no car. They took buses.

Thank goodness for friends who will pick you up when you're stranded!!

It was pretty funny though...the transmission fluid came out and Joy saw it. It was red. She thought it was blood!! I'd definitely rather have a broken down transmission!

Formula Samples

2010-05-27T14:29:00.001-07:00

While I'm on the food rant, I may as well rant about what I got in the mail today!

TWO CANS (big ones) of baby formula.

WHY?!

Pretty sure I never signed up for that. It's so frustrating to see the way that formula companies advertise. I have gotten so many $5.00 coupons since I've been pregnant...

Now, I know that there are some people who must use formula. Some babies are adopted (I WAS!) and need formula. Some babies and mommies just aren't able to breastfeed for whatever reason. It is a good thing that formula is around and I'm thankful that it is an option when breastfeeding is out of the question.

But should we really be sending out samples and major coupons to pregnant mommies? I mean, seriously people. Send them to adoptive mommies!!!!

Women's bodies were made to nourish their children. Our bodies create milk designed especially for our babies.

I've heard about a formula company sending all this formula to women in Africa.

It was great while it lasted.

But then the formula ran out. And the mothers had no milk of their own with which to nourish their babies because they had been relying on the formula.

Doctors tell you that they want you to breastfeed, but they put all of your pregnancy information in bags covered with formula advertising. The calendars, clocks, and pens are branded. Mixed messages? (Maybe they should just put boobs on everything...???).

Am I sounding a little La Leche League here?

Food...or not?!

2010-05-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to teach Joy how to eat healthfully.

Well, actually, I am trying to teach myself as well.

Anyway, we went to the grocery store today. She always finds the most processed foods and wants them. So we played a game. When she said "OOOOH I WANT THAT!" I said, "Pick it up and read me the ingredients. If we know what they all are, then we'll buy it."

Wow. Some of the ingredients in our "food" are pretty whack. How can a L*nchable have 500 ingredients? And I can only pronounce two of them. Needless to say, we put those back.

I explained to her that the ingredients for grapes were just grapes. I said, "Do you know what a grape is?" She, of course, said "Yes." So we bought some grapes. And bananas. And strawberries.

But we passed on the chicken nuggets and cotton candy and boxes of cereal and chocolate milk.

If I can't say it, I don't want my kids eating it.

If you have a chance, you should watch Food, Inc. It will change...everything.

One frustration I have is the price of real food. It's not that I mind paying for the stuff...if it costs more, it costs more. I'll pay the price. It's just upsetting that you can get "food" for so very cheap, but when you want the real stuff (say, meat from animals that have been treated humanely. Or eggs from chickens that were allowed to walk around during their lives. Or yogurt or butter that isn't full of junk), you must pay an arm and a leg...and another arm. We say we care about the poor, but do we really care about them when the only food they can afford is processed, modified, not-food? Maybe healthcare wouldn't be such a huge issue if we all could afford real food, if our appetites were tuned toward the good stuff.

As for our family, we vote with our forks when we shop. It's hard sometimes, because I like a bowl of cereal as much as the next person.

Preggo and Pooped

2010-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

This being 37 weeks pregnant thing is quite exhausting.

I have decided I can never get fat. I just don't think I could handle it! I think I still have feet down there somewhere...and I'm sorry if my belly is hanging out of my shirt. I'm trying. I really am. But some things are just beyond my control.

We are getting antsy and ready to meet baby boy. He could come any day now! I'm trying to ignore the naysayers with their, "First babies are always late" comments. Not helpful, people.

Baby is head down and as of last Wednesday he was "looking at the exit but hadn't entered it yet," in the words of my midwife. He has definitely dropped since then though, so I'm looking forward to knowing his location this week.

Yes, I said midwife. We have turned hippie. We're having the baby in a birth center (gentlebeginningsbc.com) and we're super excited about the whole thing. I love the long, luxurious appointments where she asks if we have any more questions and I'm actually given the time to think about it and ask. I love the involvement of my family...she shows Russell how to distinguish "baby parts" by feeling my belly. She even helped him to fell baby's hand the other day! Russell said he felt the knuckles. So cool. It's a totally different experience than with an OB. Not that OBs are bad...I actually liked mine, just wanted something different.

I'm trying to "nest," but I generally poop out in the middle of my nesting. Good thing I'm not a bird.

Baby's room is put together...enough. He's not going to be sleeping in there for awhile anyway, so I'm not too worried about it. We've got his cradle next to our bed. I can't wait to have a little body to put in there. We've been through childbirth classes, learned how to swaddle, breastfeed, and actually tonight, at our last class, we will learn how to handle an "emergency delivery," just in case! Let's hope we don't have to use those skills.

Just thought I'd share a baby update if anyone was wondering.

Prayer

2010-05-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, God has been teaching me how to pray.

It hasn't been quite what I expected!

We have had a couple of friends go through very trying times over the last few months. (sarahchisolmmiller.blogspot.com and theotherbabymoses.blogspot.com). My heart has poured out prayers for both families through the days. I haven't always know what to say or even what to pray, but I have tried throughout the days anyway.

And the strangest thing started to happen.

I would wake up in the middle of the night with one of my friends all over my brain. I would feel this urgency to pray for them. I was half-awake, half-asleep, but somehow my semi-conscious brain would utter a prayer for them. It happened many, many times over the course of a few weeks.

The other night it happened again. But this time, it wasn't my friends' faces. It was my daugther's birthmother. I had a dream about her and it woke me up and I started praying for her before I even knew I was praying.

I hope that she is okay. I hope that someone has come into her life to show her what love is. I hope that she knows her daughter is loved and cared for.

Small Victories

2010-05-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Homeschooling, and parenting in general, has caused me to put a lot of pressure on...me. There are the constant nagging questions about whether we're doing the right thing, whether we're depriving her of some experience, whether we're ruining her!

Honestly, these past couple of months of homeschooling have been a lot of "flying by the seat of our pants." The only super-structured, curriculum based subject we've had has been math. Joy has done tons of reading independently and we've been reading together. She writes a lot, and I give her logic problems. We work on spelling as we come to problem words and basic grammar through her writing. Science has been learned through time outdoors and field trips to the zoo. Next year, we will be more structured and have a set curriculum in all subjects (one of the main reasons for this being that we will have another little person to care for as well). But some days I just worry that maybe she would have been better off if we'd have left her in school.

But then we have these moments...these small victories that are so encouraging.

Like the day when she said, "I am so proud of myself for taking my math to the next level," just out of the blue.

And the day when she picked The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as the book she wanted to read independently. And then the day she finished it!

There was the day when she wrote about her weekend and it actually made sense. Words that she had been consistently spelling wrong are all of a sudden spelled correctly.

She can add and subtract without using her fingers (trust me, this is a MAJOR victory).

And we don't fight about homework anymore.

No, she isn't learning all of the same things the public school kids are learning. Sure, there are days when I would love to have the house to myself...and days when I would rather not plan work for her to do.

But in the end, I have to believe that we have the ability to educate our children, give them a solid academic foundation, and teach them things that they would never learn in the walls of a school.

One of the most important lessons that our Joy can learn is what a family looks like, how we interact and serve each other. I want her to understand what love looks like and to plant a desire in her heart for a loving, peaceful family in her future. Sure, she was learning these lessons while she was going to school, but so much of our afternoon/evening time was wrapped up in stressful school stuff...spelling tests, homework, re-doing work, trying to prep her so she could scrape by. Now she is immersed in our family all day, every day. She sees me call her dad and talk to him at lunchtime. She watches me as I prepare meals. I have become her teacher, the one she goes to with questions. And in the evenings, we are able to just chill together. When baby gets here, she will see me care for the baby and will help with that.

It's the small victories that make all the difference.

2010-04-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the weight of what we're doing is really overwhelming. There are moments when I will be going through my day as usual and a weight will hit like a thousand bricks.

I am responsible for this child. Her future depends, in large part, on who I am in her present.

I see my weaknesses and faults and know that she sees them too. She may not recognize them as such yet, but she will someday.

I recognize that my daughter will become a woman soon. The clock is ticking.

The other day I was looking through an adoption book that we have. It has a list of childhood traumas that children can experience (but shouldn't have to). Experiencing these traumas can obviously greatly impact a child's life and future.

And as I read the list, I check off one trauma after another. "Yes, she's had that happen. And that. And that. And that."

And I realize my own inability to turn the past around. She has been through so much pain, so much suffering, so much loss. She's too young to really know how to mourn, too young to understand what has been done to her.

And I feel the weight of undoing the past. Shaping the future.

I'm so inadequate.

I long for her to long for Christ.

And then I long for myself to long for Christ in a visible way, so that she can see my longing.

I long for her to feel loved and accepted.

And then I realize that's my job.

Every mother must feel this weight. I feel the weight for my unborn son as well.

But with my daugther, it is different. My son will feel loved and accepted from the moment he enters this world. He has been loved from the day we saw two lines on the pregnancy test. We mourned when we thought we were losing him and rejoiced when we saw his little body inside my womb. We talk to him, pray for him, love him. He will enter this world loved and cherished.

It wasn't like that for my daughter. Her first 8 years were spent in uncertainty and fear, feeling stupid and ugly. I want more than anything to turn back the clock, and have her enter this world into my arms. But I can't do that. I can't change what has been.

So I beg the Lord to heal her brokenness. I beg Him to help her become a survivor, rather than a victim. I beg Him that she will be the one who breaks the cycles of dysfunction that have run through her birth family for so long. I beg Him that she will see what He knows she can become, and that she will strive for that. I long for her to have goals for herself, to learn how to have positive relationships with men before it's too late, to recognize that she can and will be a strong, independent woman some day.

And I do what I can do today.

Papaya

2010-04-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

While reading my weekly pregnancy update email, I read that papaya can ease heartburn. The following conversation ensued:

Me: "I don't think I've ever had papaya."
Joy: "I've had papaya. That's yummy"
Me: "Oh, well, I haven't."
Joy: "Yeah, it has peas, carrots, and maybe meat."
Me: "Ummmm...that's not a papaya. That's a pot pie."

Dancing

2010-03-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

...And today we can do nothing but sing HIS praise!! The Lord has worked a mighty miracle for our most precious friends. We have seen his hand in a powerful way and give him the glory!!

Pain

2010-03-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

Today I can do nothing but fall on my knees.

Easter

2010-03-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

I love Easter. In fact, Easter is my absolute, without-a-doubt, favorite holiday of the year.

But it always ends up being such a let down.

The eggs are so...anti-climactic.

Jesus rose from the dead, people!! And all we're gonna do to celebrate is find some eggs and eat too much candy??

Anyway, I am trying to find ways to make the holiday more meaningful and less eggy.

Any ideas?

Growing Up

2010-03-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

Growing up is hard. It is also wonderful.

When I was young, I thought I knew what pain was. I thought I knew what suffering was. I also thought I had experienced amazing, unbelievable joy that could never be surpassed.

Neither one of these was true.

As an adult, I have gotten to experience the most incredible joy imaginable. I have gotten to love an amazing man, stand with him at the altar, and live every day by his side. I have also experienced the joy of seeing his dreams come true in his career. I have experienced my own dreams coming true in motherhood. I have experienced the joy of having a child and loving her every day. I have also experienced the amazing joy that comes with watching friends fall in love and pledge their lives to one another. I have seen friends walk through pregnancy and have precious babies, which is such a joy. Watching friends' dreams come true is priceless.

But this joy has not been without pain. I have experienced pain in the past few years like I didn't know was imaginable. I watched as a friend's house burned down, and along with it everything she owned. I have seen friends suffer through terrible illnesses (and have suffered with serious illness myself). The pain of losing loved ones, having your most wonderful dreams crushed upon the rocks, parents divorcing. I haved watched as friends suffered through the most horrible situations in life. And it hurts. It hurts them in unbelievable ways. And it hurts me.

It hurts to know that you don't have words that can take away the pain. As a child, there was always something you could do to make it better. But this pain is so real and so raw. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

So I offer my love and I offer my prayers. I look forward to the day when the mourning will turn to dancing.

Soon, Lord Jesus.

Royal Family Kids Camp

2010-03-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's time for a shameless plug.

The hubs and I knew we wanted to be foster parents. We just thought we were too young.

And then we volunteered at Royal Family Kids Camp. It changed our lives.

Have you heard of this camp? It is designed for kids that have been abused, neglected, and shuffled through the foster care system. The forgotten ones.

There is a ratio of 2 campers to 1 counselor. There is also a staff full of volunteers who are always available to love on the kids.

We went two years ago for the first time. We saw the precious faces of God's precious children. We heard them sing, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord." They didn't realize what the words meant...but just hearing their beautiful voices sing those words, knowing that the sorrow and shame they have been through is so real, so painful. Wow. I cried.

We spent the week listening to the children laugh and play. We listened to them cry and tried to keep them from fighting. We heard about their pasts. We heard about absent fathers, adoptive parents, foster parents.

We came home and we were changed. We were not too young. It was time. The kids were real, the kids were hurting, the kids needed love. One week at camp was absolutely wonderful. It meant the world to the kids, and it meant the world to us. But we needed to do more.

Last year, I went to camp again. This time, I went with my daughter. I saw other adults love her and teach her about the love of God. I saw her conquer fears and make friends. And I realized how precious and meaningful one week at camp really can be!

If you want to get involved in helping foster children, consider volunteering for a week this summer at a Royal Family Kids Camp. They are all over the country. To find one near you, visit www.rfkc.org. There are so many volunteer positions available...it's only a few days...and it will change your life. They always need volunteers. (And trust me, they spoil the volunteers rotten). The DFW camp info can be found at www.ourfatherschildren.org.

Someone needs to fill my place this summer, because I'm going to be having a baby and won't be able to go.

Adoption

2010-03-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

We've had quite a week around here. Our lives seem to always be in transition! Our family has decided to homeschool, and this was our first week. I'm getting used to having a little body at home with me all day. The week has gone well. We're hoping to provide exciting learning opportunities both inside and outside the home, as well as provide Joy ample time for building strong familial relationships. I also look forward to the ability to be more selective with her friends and to know what is going on with her all day. Some people may not understand this, but having a child who comes from less-than-wonderful circumstances, it is important to us that we closely monitor her friendships and activities.

Now, what you're really waiting for. May I introduce to you... (drumroll please)

"Joy"

Adoption day was fun. We had court at 8 a.m. Afterwards, we went to breakfast with family. Then we hung around the house for awhile. We finished the night off with a trip to the Rainforest Cafe and Build a Bear Workshop. Joy built a cheetah and hasn't put it down since.

Now that the adoption is final it's time to get ready for baby boy, who will be here before we know it!

Hooters...seriously!?

2010-02-26T17:03:00.000-08:00

We made it to adoption day! More on that later...

One of the things we did to make this day special was allow Joy to pick a resturaunt at which we would eat breakfast. She was trying to decide between IHOP and a local joint in the car the other day when we drove by Hooters.

This girl has no clue sometimes. And I'm glad.

She asked, "Does Hooters serve breakfast?"

Her dad and I busted a gut trying to hold the laughter in.

"No, dear. They don't serve breakfast."

ha.ha.ha.

Court is Coming

2010-02-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

We are going to finalize Joy's adoption this Friday morning at 8.

Some of you may not understand what a miracle this is. When her biological parents' rights were terminated last spring, her bio dad appealed. These appeals have been known to drag on and on and on and on.

We were told we wouldn't be in court until this November (2010) at the earliest. A year and a half was the best we could hope for.

I got mad. Maybe part of it was selfish, but a large part of my anger stemmed from the fact that my daughter had already been through more than any child should go through. Removal from biological mother, two (abusive) foster homes, and finally a home that loved her and wanted to adopt her. Even her biological mom was upset about the appeal and desired for us to get to court soon.

So I wrote a letter. And I mailed it to everyone who I thought might have even some teensy little amount of power in the court system.

See, we were told that the reason the appeals take so long is because there is a major backlog. It's not that the process really takes years to complete....No, the files are just sitting in a stack getting dusty until they make it to the top.

I am absolutely sure that someone did something to get us to the top of the stack. I will probably never know who it was, but I am very grateful.

And this Friday, our little princess will officially be our little princess.

Pregnancy

2010-02-23T15:34:00.001-08:00

I had an appointment today. I have officially gained 20 pounds. :)

And today, I took this pregnancy thing to a whole new level. I have been having some pretty bad, constant back pain. The doctor recommended that I buy a pregnancy girdle.

So I did.

And may I just say, I look hot in my belly wonderbra.

It's coming for me (and you)

2010-02-23T07:10:00.000-08:00

I (along with thousands of others) have spent the last few weeks battling in prayer for a sister in Christ who has been very, very sick. Jenny passed away yesterday and I mourn along with her family.

The reality of her situation has been striking to me. She was a young mom, full of life and energy. I never met her, but know from what I've seen and heard these past few weeks that she was a beautiful person who impacted the world in powerful ways.

I recognize my own mortality through her even more powerfully than before. Yesterday, I was hit face to face with the fact that it's coming for me, too. Maybe in 60 years, maybe tomorrow. It's coming for me...and my husband, my children and my parents.

I do not fear death.

I do fear dying without having fully lived.

So today I face the question that should haunt all of us: What do I stand for today? Will I stand for justice and mercy? For peace and healing? For the kingdom of God, manifested among us? Do I live as an agent of change? Do I work for the orphaned, spend my time for those in need?

Or do I stand for entertainment? New clothes? A prettier house? Keeping up with the Joneses? Financial stability? My own comfort and pleasure?

What are you standing for? Yes, in our hearts I believe that we all stand for good things. But when others examine your life, what do they see you living for? What can they identify as your passions? What motivated you to do the things you did? What were the things that you did? Where was your time spent? Who was it spent with? What will your children become, based on who you were?

May our hearts be broken by the things that break the heart of God. And may we work together to be the change we want to see in the world. May our lives be offered up as a holy sacrifice before the Lord, and when we face him, may we know that we fully lived before we died.

The Post on Hard Days

2010-02-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

Some days it's just hard to be a mom.

I wonder if I'm being too hard on her. I wonder if I'm being too easy on her. Is this issue really important? Should I be making a big deal about this? What if she remembers this morning for the rest of her life? What if she looks back and remembers how mean I was, or the time I screamed a little? What if she goes to school crying and her teacher thinks the worst of us?

Case in point:
This morning, I set out to make Joy's lunch. She had forgotten her lunch box at a neighbor's house and went to get it this morning. I opened it to find almost all of the food I had packed on Friday still in there. Ruined, of course.

So I asked her what she ate for lunch. She said, "I don't remember." That's always her answer when she doesn't want to get in trouble. She finally admitted to eating ice cream. So pretty much she had an orange and ice cream for lunch.

Granted, I had given her permission to take her money to buy ice cream in the cafeteria. And, of course, she reminded me of this fact. But she isn't made of money, if you know what I mean, and the one dollar she did have she is "saving" to buy a toy with. So I said, "That's sad, because you were saving that money."

"Oh, it wasn't that money that I used."

At this point, my ears perk up, because I know she doesn't have any other money. "Where did you get the money then?"

"I don't know." (Of course). So I tell her she's not going to school until she tells me and if she's tardy she has to do work when she gets home, because she will have missed work at school. She finally admits it's from a friend. I tell her she needs to pay her friend back.

Then all hell breaks loose. She's saving that money for a toy. I encouraged her to save it. And now I'm telling her she has to pay her friend back for the ice cream. She's in tears. Won't finish her breakfast. Tries to backtrack and tell me she doesn't remember where the money came from.

Sigh.

So I dropped her off at school in tears. I hate that.

But she knows better than to just eat ice cream for lunch. And I don't want her to think that she can just take her friend's money and not have to pay her back.

So she cries. I feel bad, but stand firm. I tell her she will probably have to do some chores when she gets home to pay me for all the food I had to throw away that she chose not to eat.

Some days in the (mother)hood are just hard. I want to raise a strong, responsible, independent woman. And maybe that means sometimes we're just going to have to yell and cry a little.

Confessions

2010-02-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

Okay. I have to confess.

I try to eat healthy...I really do. Really. We buy fresh fruits and veggies. I eat them. We buy whole wheat noodles and brown rice. I eat them, too. I don't make a lot of sweets and I don't buy junk food. We eat a balanced diet...

But sometimes lately I am just so HUNGRY.

After a long day at school with 12 first graders saying my name 5 million times, I am just plain hungry.

So sometimes, like today, I sneak over to Taco Bell and get a burrito after school. Or two. Last week it was a spicy BK chicken sandwhich. I don't even like Burger King.

And then I might follow it up with a cookie.

And sometimes (like all the time), there is yummy food tempting me in the lounge all day long. And I eat it.

I am sorry, baby, for poisoning you with this junk. No, I will not let you eat four cookies in one sitting when you get old enough to chew. No, we will not go to Taco Bell for a snack. And no, we will not have dessert after every meal.

I will try to do better, baby.

Adoption almost here!

2010-02-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

We got a call today from our caseworker saying that our adoption presentation is going to be on the 18th of this month. At this meeting, Joy will offically become an "adoptive placement." Up until this point, she has been in foster care. After this meeting, our case manager will come out to the house once more on the 24th and then we will go to court...hopefully within a few days.

We are so excited. Honestly, one thing I am very excited about is not having to do paperwork anymore. For obvious reasons, our agency and CPS keep a major paper trail on foster children. We have monthly progress notes to fill out, fire drill forms, clothing inventories, doctor forms, dentist forms, medication logs (for prescription and non prescription meds), and we must get consent for Joy to spend the night anywhere away from home.

I don't even know what it will be like to be a paperwork free momma...but I can't wait to find out!

People keep asking, "Will you adopt again?" I guess we are getting this question even more frequently because of our, um, obvious lack of infertility issues (see baby bump for more info.) My answer is normally, "Probably." "Well, will you have more biological kids?" Probably.

Look out, Duggars. Here we come!!

Baby Boy

2010-01-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

We saw our baby boy again this week. He is so big! I can't believe we are already halfway through the pregnancy. It is flying by. His daddy was able to feel him kick for the first time the other night. I was laying in bed and noticed that the kicking was really strong, so I kindly decided to wake Russell up from his much needed sleep to feel it. He rolled over, put his hand on my belly, felt a kick, and rolled back over. Okay, so maybe the middle of daddy's sleep cycle wasn't the best time to put on a show. I do have a feeling, however, that we will be having many, many more nighttime events over the next few months/years.

Big sister went to the sonogram with us this time. She liked seeing baby and definitely saw his boy-ness. Oh, well, what can you do? It was bound to happen sometime or another.

My back has been hurting pretty badly, but I've decided that is caused by sitting in first grader sized chairs all day long. 3 weeks of student teaching left!

Adoption Excitement in the air!

2010-01-23T13:25:00.000-08:00

We had our homestudy update this week. This was a meeting with our agency case manager. We went through our homestudy, which was completed a year and a half ago, and updated the information. This is the final paperwork step for us before we can move forward with Joy's adoption. We are supposed to have our "presentation" the first week of February, during which Joy will officially become an adoptive placement rather than a foster placement. After that, it's a race to see how fast we can get to court. We're hoping to have everything finished and finalized by the last week in February.

In other news, we are seriously considering homeschooling after the adoption is finalized. We are frustrated with the public school system and feel that it is not the best environment for our daughter to be in. I say this as a wife of a public school teacher, and one who graduated from public school. We are researching homeschooling and may begin after spring break of this year.

We go in this week for the big ultrasound to check all of baby boy's parts. We can't wait to see his sweet little body again! I feel him kicking all the time, which is such a calming and reassuring feeling. I am definitely "showing", bigtime! It's super fun, except when my clothes don't fit.

Sorry for the rare occurance of posts. I'm back in the saddle of student teaching and have four weeks left. Can't wait to have that behind me!

God's Grace

2009-12-22T15:07:00.001-08:00

I didn't know if I would ever see the magical two lines.

I didn't know if I would ever say the words, "I'm pregnant."

And the part of me that thought it might be possible never thought I would have a complicated pregnancy.

15 weeks in, and we've been for a ride. The excitement of a positive pregnancy test followed by an ER visit and what we thought was impending doom. It turned out to be a subchoronic hemorrage, a not too friendly pool of blood that pretends to be every mother's worst nightmare. Weekly visits to the OB (accompanied with weekly reassuring sonograms that baby was doing okay), daily bleeding, and lots of bedrest. Whew, it has been a ride. By the grace of God the hemorrage is gone and our little baby boy is kicking around like it ain't no thing. Gotta love it.

Big sister is excited that it's a boy. This way, she still gets to be Daddy's only little princess.

Oh, and exciting news on the adoption front. Our appeal has gone through much MUCH more quickly than expected (also by the grace of God, and maybe an angry mother who wrote one too many letters to one too many government officials about the idiacy of it all). We are looking forward to finalizing Joy's adoption late February. She will be officially ours before baby boy gets here. Just as it should be.

So now this tentative mommy of one is on her way to becoming a mommy of two.

Pencil Love

2009-11-18T13:34:00.000-08:00

"Mom, I need more pencils."

How could she possibly need more pencils? I gave her a dollar just a few days ago so that she could buy four. Where did they all go?

"Honey, what happened to the money I gave you to buy pencils?"

"Well, Lily didn't have any money so I gave her a quarter. And then Kenny didn't have a pencil so I gave him one. And then Kaylee needed one so I gave her one."

Ok, I'm upset. I didn't send that money so the whole class could get new pencils.

Whoa. Whoa. Back up a minute. Why am I upset? What about cheerful giving? Giving to anyone who asks you? Giving those who have need?

When was the last time I gave up something important so that someone else could have what they need? It was such a non-issue to her. They needed pencils. She had extra. What else was a girl to do?

God, make me generous like that!

Finally, I'm Loved

2009-11-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

It is hard to imagine that there are children in this world who have never felt love. There are children who have never known the loving warmth of a mother's embrace, or the tenderness of a daddy's kisses. There are children who are born fighting for their lives and who spend their childhood fighting. It's hard to imagine, but it's a reality.

Last week, we were sharing with some friends about times when we just knew what we were supposed to do. Those times when common sense and rationale fly out the window, and you just must take a step of incredible faith.

Adopting, for us, was one of those times. When we thought about it with our heads, it didn't make sense. Why not wait a few years? There will always be children who need homes. But we knew, absolutely knew, that this was the time. We needed to adopt, and we needed to adopt now. There were no second thoughts from the moment Joy stepped foot in our home.

Joy, after hearing us say this, shared a simple but heartbreakingly true comment.

"Finally, I'm loved."

Of course, we know that she has always been loved by her heavenly father. From the moment she was conceived he has cared for her with his tender mercy. And we also know that her birthmother loves her, although she may not have known how to share that love.

But to our little girl, she knows that finally, for the first time in her life, she is truly and completely loved, not for what she can do for us, but simply because she is our precious daughter.

Thanksgiving

2009-10-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for

- my husband, who is so gracious to me and patient with me
- my daughter, who is an amazingly precious gift from God
- my mom, who always loves me.
- my dad, who always challenges me
- my brother, who loves his wife and his children so much and puts them first
- my sister-in-law, who so beautifully serves her husband and children day after day
- my parents-in-law, who are so quick to help us and are always loving
- my Christian family (which includes people from around the world)...thank you, Jesus
- friends who laugh and cry with me
- the saints who have gone before, for giving us such an example and something to strive for

Birthday Party Planning

2009-10-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Joy has an October birthday. She is more than excited about her upcoming party.

In fact, she has been trying to plan it since May.

This will be her first real party...she'll be 9.

I know that parties are not necessary for human survival. However, I do think it's sad that she's never had a birthday party.

This is just another one of those things that children in foster care don't have (and the list of other things is way too long).

But our little one will have a party this year and it's going to be a blast!

Blushing Mommy Moments

2009-09-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to tell my husband that farting and making farting sounds in front of Joy is not a good idea.

One reason is that when he farts, she thinks it's funny. Then she does it and expects to get a laugh. Not good.

The other day we were at gymnastics. Joy is one of the oldest girls in the class. Parents aren't allowed in the gym, but we can watch the class through a window.

I peeped in and saw a group of little bitty girls in pink, fluffy leotards standing around Joy.

This is trouble.

I then saw Joy lift her arm up, place her hand in her armpit, and proceed to make farting sounds. All of the little tutu-clad girls though this was hilarious.

Soon, they all had their hands in their armpits as the moms helplessly looked on.

You think you're singing your baby girl up for gymnastics when really you're singing her up for lessons in bodily functions.

That's one of those moments when you want to pull a bag over your head and pretend to be invisible. (And don't think I didn't contemplate it)!

Mom and Momma

2009-09-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

We have faced many challenges while on our adoption journey. One thing that has been especially difficult for me is our daughter's reluctance to call me "mom."

When Joy was first placed in our home, we introduced ourselves by our first names. We did not know how long she would be with us and hadn't thought through what she would call us. We thought the placement would be temporary.

Since that time we have realized that she is a permanent part of our family (what a blessing). She knows this as well, but still calls us by our first names most of the time.

I'll be honest. It really bothers me. A lot.

I have to remember that she already has a mom, one who raised her from infancy until she was 7. I don't want to force her to call me by the name that she has reserved in her heart for her birthmother.

So yesterday I told her about my new idea. I suggested that she think of another name to call me. What if I am mommy or momma ( or something else that she thinks of)? She can continue to call her birthmother mom and I can be something else.

I hope that this will help her to ease into calling us something other than our first names. When she does that around strangers, it causes some strange looks.

I also hope that this new idea will help her to accept the fact that she is going to be with us forever, but that she does not have to forget about her birthmother or pretend that she doesn't care about her anymore.

Boy Crazy? Already?

2009-09-23T17:14:00.001-07:00

Joy likes to play in the front yard with the neighborhood kids. Sometimes I watch (okay, hover) out the window just to see what's going on. Okay, maybe I'm a control freak. But that's an issue for another time, alright?

Well, today I looked out the window and saw her blowing kisses. To a boy.

Oh no.

We had a talk about whether that was appropriate. I decided for her that it was not appropriate.

Boy crazy at 8. What ever am I going to do?

Working Mom, part two

2009-09-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

I do not think I'm cut out for this.

How do working moms do it?

I am so tired. Our house is a disaster. We're eating food out of cans and bags. Our clothes are dirty. Our front flowerbed is all weeds. Our bed isn't made and all of our sheets are dirty. Our desk is piled high. I have coupons to cut, dishes to do, and clothes to fold. I have deposits to make and phone calls to make. I have assignments to complete for school.

And I ask again, how do working moms do it? I have a newfound respect for all of you.

I come home from "work" and just want to collapse, but I have a family that's counting on me!

Two days down, 58 to go.

Working mom

2009-09-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow our family begins a new adventure.

Tomorrow I will officially be a "working mom."

Tomorrow I start student teaching. Yes, I will be a working mom. Yes, I will put in pull time hours. But I will not get paid.

I'm dreading this a little bit because I worry about how it will affect our family, because I have essentially been a stay at home mom since we got our daughter last year.

The good news is that student teaching only lasts for 12 weeks!

Mommyhood

2009-09-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

Being a mother is such a joy. Really. Sometimes I get frustrated or annoyed. But most of the time I just look at her sweet face and fall in love over and over again.

I love how at night when she is lying in bed and sees me walk down the hall she calls out "I love you. See you in the morning!" I love how she giggles in the morning when I tickle her feet. I love how she puckers her lips up for more and more kisses. I love how she always starts her questions with, "I was going to ask you..." I love how she wears clothes that don't really match and thinks she looks like a model. I love how she loves her daddy. If I didn't know better, I'd think she loved him almost as much as I do. I love how the other day when she beat me home on her bike, she came inside, wrote a note and hung it on the door. The note said, "I am here."

What have I done to deserve this privilege?

College

2009-09-17T09:27:00.001-07:00

I am in college. I have been in college for the last five and a half years. Just to be clear, I didn't take any time off in this five and a half years. I've never failed a class. In fact, I'm not sure that I've ever made lower than a B. I've been taking full time classes this entire time, and throughout most of the summers (I think I took one summer off long ago). This semester is my first semester with less than 15 hours. Most semesters have been around 18 hours.

During that time, I have changed my major once, transferred twice, gotten married, moved four times, battled a serious illness and lost my spleen, received our first child, and welcomed two neices and one nephew into the world. I have watched and cheered for my husband as he finished his degree and celebrate as he gets to live out his dreams.

Finally...FINALLY...I'm at the end of the road. I'm done in December.

We won't go into the things I wish I would have done with regards to college. I'm trying to accept the decisions I made (although I wish I would have listened to my heart four years ago instead of listening to what everyone thought I should do) and move on with my life.

But the end of one journey leads to another. Now I'm faced with life post-college. What will I do with myself?

I'm pretty sure I don't want to teach (I will have an ed degree).

I want to be available for my daughter before and after school, as well as on holidays and in the summer. I want to be free for people who may need me at any time of the day.

But there is this strange, cultural pressure to make money. Lots of it.

So I battle with feelings of wanting to be home for my family and with wanting to make money.

And then I rememeber that Jesus told me I can't serve two masters. I am not a slave to money.

My father knows what our family needs before we ask him.

Some people spend their lives slaving away at jobs they hate for money they could live without.

Some people spend so much time on their jobs that they never explore their God given passions.

I pray that I will live out those passions, alongside my family, even if that means I never make another penny, even if that means I don't get new clothes very often and we never have cable TV.

Challenge

2009-09-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I came across my friend Sarah's sister's blog. I encourage you yesterday's post and be challenged. You can find her blog at: http://jennysimmons.com/

She asks some tough questions that I believe all who call themselves Christian should ask themselves.

Adoption Poem

2009-09-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

This poem was hanging in our home as I grew up and has always meant a lot to me. I thought I'd share it with all of you!

Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart, but in it

Choosing Joy

2009-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

We decided to adopt a year ago.

We did the paperwork as fast as possible.

Along the way, we decided we would foster instead. We decided what ages we would be willing to take (3-7), what issues we could handle, and how many kids we could take in our home (only one for now, please).

We got the call on December 10. A little girl needed a new foster home.

We said yes.

What better way to spend the holidays than with a child?

She came to our home the next day, December 11, as a foster placement. At this point, we were not thinking about adoption. In fact, I read an email that our caseworker left on the table that said we were "adoption minded" and I about hyperventilated. This was just supposed to be a foster placement!

Ha.

It didn't take long to know that this was, in fact, our daughter. She would be for as long as the state would let us have her. And that has turned into forever.

No, we didn't choose her out of a line up. We had no idea what she would look like when she came to our home to stay. In fact, we didn't even know her name.

But she's ours. And she always will be.

Phone Calls and other Important Events

2009-09-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

Oh no. I think my eight year old is turning into a teenager.

This is what just happened:

Ring, ring (On my cell phone, mind you).

Hello?

Is Joy there?

WHAT?!?

When I taught her my phone number I didn't know it would end up like this!

My phone is being monopolized by an eight year old asking her friend if she has a cat.

What is this world coming to?

The Good Ol' Days

2009-09-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

The other night, hubby and I were talking about what our life used to look like, pre-Joy.

We talked about the first home we lived in, how we used to be able to go and do whatever we wanted when we wanted. We talked about being able to stay out late with friends and make decisions on a whim.

Those were the days, huh?

Eh, not really.

One of my biggest fears during our journey towards adoption was that we would regret the decision. I worried that once we had a child we would miss the life we used to have and would wish that we had waited.

Sure, there are times when it would be nice to have more time with just the hubby. Somtimes I get frustrated or feel inadequate in my mommy-ing skills and wonder if an older, wiser version of me would be better suited for the job.

But I can say this with complete honesty: never ONCE have I regretted our decision to adopt. Not once.

I don't wish we had waited.

And I can't imagine our life without her. I think it would stink.

Cooking with Dad

2009-09-11T12:15:00.001-07:00

Breakthrough Moments

2009-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

When Joy came to us she didn't smile. She didn't laugh. She didn't talk much. She didn't eat much.

That was in mid-December of last year.

I remember one night after she'd been with us for a few weeks when we had a major breakthrough. Daddy was gone to a band thing. I had planned for Joy and I to go, but decided at the last minute to stay home so Joy didn't have to stay up late.

We did our usual routine. Dinner, then bathtime.

Up until this point, everything had been very calm.

This night was different.

It sounded like world war three was going on in our tub.

She was splashing, yelling, talking, and singing.

I just knew our bathroom was going to flood. I could hear the water splashing over the side of the tub, which was a little scary since we lived in an upstairs apartment.

I didn't say a word. I just laid on our bed in the next room and listened.

She was getting to be a kid for the first time in a long time.

She was comfortable enough to make some noise and make a mess.

I loved every sound and every splash.

This night was a breakthrough. And it was beautiful.

We haven't heard a quiet bath since.

Life

2009-09-10T08:46:00.001-07:00

I am pro-life to the core of who I am, although I hate to even associate myself with the phrase "pro-life" because of how political it is.

Pro-life is much more than anti-abortion, however.

I believe in the beauty and wonder of human life, from conception to death.

That means I am for life when babies are born and I am for life when people get old, and everything in between.

I believe that when Jesus said "Love your enemies," he meant it. I stand opposed to war and the death penalty.

I believe that being pro-life means much more than voting for a particular party, especially when that particular party seems anti-life in many ways.

I am for life, and I am for good life. I believe that children should have food to eat and mothers should not have to work all hours of the day and night to give their children that food. "Minimum wage" should be enough to live on (and I'm telling you right now, it's not! There is no way a parent can support a family while making minimum wage).

I believe that all people should have a roof over their heads.

I believe that people should have access to a fair judicial system that is not biased against one particular race.

I believe that no woman should be forced into prostitution because her family needs money.

I believe that no innocent person should die in the face of war, whether just or unjust.

Now, I know that nations will have wars. They always have, and they always will. There is nothing that will change that.

But just because something always has been doesn't mean I have to support it.

This is not a stance for or against a particular party; in fact, I don't align myself with either one.

I believe that one of the most pro-life things a person can do for unborn children is to adopt kids. If we are so pro-life, why are there thousands of children in foster care waiting for families? That does not sound very pro-life to me!

And if one cannot adopt children for some reason, why not help a woman who is poor and pregnant? Help her with her bills. Throw her a shower. Buy her diapers. Drive her to doctors appointments. Invite her and her baby into your home. Give them the spare bedroom.

Pro-life is more than a vote. It's a lifestyle.

The Kingdom of God

2009-09-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Last night, my hubby and I were laying in bed listening to a sermon by one of our favorite pastors, Greg Boyd.

In it, he talked about some highly controversial issues, but one thing stood out in my mind and is still on my mind this morning.

He discussed how there had been a rally at the Minnesota state capital about a marriage ammendment and hundreds, if not thousands, of people showed up to protest. A week later, there was a protest, also at the capital, on the issue of homelessness and only about 40 people showed up.

Which one of these, gay marriage or homelessness, is a bigger issue in the kingdom of God?

He mentioned a friend who had been working to save children out of sexual slavery in South America. His friend was in the U.S. on furlough at the same time an expose was aired on Nightline about the sex trade. 30,000 children in the particular country this man works in are in the sex trade. I believe he said over a million people tuned in to the show that night. There was no outcry over this incredible injustice. People watched the show, turned off the T.V., went to bed and never thought about it again.

A few days later, Janet Jackson showed her breast on national television and the church in America was up in arms. (Note: this post is not condoning nudity on television).

Boyd asked the question...What is the criteria here? Why is it that 30,000 kids are in the sex trade (in this one country alone) and the American church as a whole could care less, whereas when one woman's breast is exposed on T.V. there are protests, boycotts, and news reports?

I join with him in asking this question.

What is the criteria?

Millions of children are starving to death today. There won't be a news story about that on T. V.

Millions of people are dying from diseases that have a cure because they don't have access to medication.

My hope and prayer is that these issues....no, these PEOPLE, will lay on our hearts as a heavy burden.

God, forgive us.

Adoption Delay

2009-09-08T16:38:00.001-07:00

I don't want you all to think that fostering to adopt is a bed of roses.

We've had our daughter for nine wonderful months now.

We've been to court. Both of her bio parents' rights were terminated. Her mom relinquished her rights, but dad's rights had to be terminated in court because he refused to relinquish.

Biological parents have the legal right to appeal parental termination, which is a necessary and good thing.

Her bio dad, whom she has never known until she went into foster care, has appealed.

CPS is backlogged.

While we should be heading to court this November for finalization (or even sooner than that), instead we are waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

We have been told it will be a year before our case is even looked at again (because of the backlog).

It's gathering dust. All the while our daughter continues to bear the label of "foster child," having case workers in and out of home and school and she is unable to have our last name.

Yes, she is ours. But in the eyes of the state, she is not. We are merely her guardians. She is a ward of the state.

We are being told that we will be able to finalize in November of 2010 at the earliest.

Joy asks, "When am I going to be adopted? When can I jump on a trampoline (foster kids aren't allowed on trampolines)? When can I spend the night with someone without having to report to CPS?"

We don't know, honey.

"Will it be soon?"

No, it won't be. But not because we don't want it to be.

Inspired mess

2009-09-08T11:37:00.001-07:00

Today I was feeling inspired to do something wonderful, so I decided to paint some ugly furniture in an attempt to make it pretty.

It was going so well...until I spilled paint all over the back porch.

Woops!

Foster Care Questions

2009-09-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

People have a lot of questions about foster care. Welcoming a child into your home can be a scary thought. When we first began talking about foster care, our family members voiced several concerns. One of the main concerns we heard about was money.

How will you be able to afford having an older child in your home? Kids are expensive, you know.

Kids can be expensive, yes.

In my opinion, money should never be a hindrance when you are considering whether or not to become a foster parent.

There are other things that you should seriously consider, but money should not be an issue.

For one thing, foster parents receive a stipend monthly (at least in the state of Texas...I'm unsure about the other states, but assume that each state has its own reimbursement program in place) to help with the financial burden of caring for a child.

All medical expenses, including both appointments and medication, are 100% covered by Medicaid (this also includes things like therapy and dental care).

Kids in foster care receive free lunches in public schools, regardless of the foster parents' income.

And in our county, foster parents receive a quarterly stipend specifically for clothing for the child. In addition to this, our agency has a clothing closet for the kids. All foster families at our agency can go into this closet at any time to get clothing and other necessities for the kids.

I'm sure there are more avenues for financial assistance for foster parents that I'm unaware of. If you know of any, please leave them in the comments.

I would love to answer any other questions that some of you may have about foster parenting. If you have questions, leave them in the comments section and I'll do my best to answer. Of course, I'm not an expert by any means, but we are slowly learning how this whole thing works!!

Collections

2009-09-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the three of us piled up in my mom's van to visit a dear family member.

This person is a collector. She has a house full of beautiful things.

As we were going through jewelry, Joy was in heaven. She was trying things on and loving it.

We came out of the deal with some very old, very expensive china and a warning that it is very valuable. Some of it is for display only.

I say, it's a plate. Yes, it's pretty. Yes, it may be valuable. But if you can't eat off of it, what's the point of having it?

I may hang a few plates on the wall.

We are eating off of the rest of them.

Yes, I have a small child and run the risk of broken dishes. But it's just a dish, right? And my little princess deserves to eat off of the most beautiful china.

I am so thankful that my heavenly Father doesn't look at me and, when noticing my immaturity and clumsiness, take the beautiful things away until I'm ready for them. Instead, he gives me the beautiful things and encourages me to grow into them. I may not be really ready for the beautiful things in my life (and now I'm not really talking about things at all), but he gives generously, loves me when I fail, and watches as I grow into the beauty he has graced me with.

I hope I will grow to be generous like he is.

Mom Challenges

2009-09-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Motherhood has brought a lot of challenges to this new mom.

One challenge that I have yet to figure out is what to keep and what to toss.

Joy is so creative. She draws all kinds of cute things. I can't bring myself to part with any of them.

Take, for example, this amazing rendition of the food pyramid.

In case you can't read it, the pyramid (from top to bottom) says: chooclaet, ice cream, meat, vegetables, and the bottom says butter.

I love that chocolate and ice cream have their own sections in the food pyramid.

And, even better, I love that butter has taken it's rightful place as the base upon which all of our nutrition should be built.

What's a mom to do?

PS - Sorry about the cruddy picture quality. I so don't have photo skills.

Domestic Adoption

2009-09-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

People wonder. Why are you adopting? Are you not able to have kids of your own? Don't you know that kids out of the foster care system are damaged? They come with baggage. They can never be healed. You should at least adopt a baby. That way they won't have baggage. Are you really considering transracial adoption? What a horrible thing to do to a child! They will never feel like they fit in anywhere.

Really?

I mean, really??

I have always wanted to adopt. I'm adopted. Yes, I was adopted as a baby. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I am thankful to have spent my entire life in my forever family.

Some kids aren't so fortunate.

We believe all children deserve a family. All little boys need to know how special they are. All little girls do too. Even the older ones.

No, we're not adopting because we are infertile. Biological kids may come later for us. Or they may not. It doesn't really matter either way. My life will not be more or less complete if our children come from inside my womb.

In fact, when I dream about the future of our family, I see Russell, Joy, and I in a backyard full of kids of every color.

I think transracial adoption is a beautiful picture of the kingdom of God, which brings every nation and color into one beautiful family.

No, we're not adopting an older child because babies are hard to come by or cost too much money.

Big kids need families too.

Yes, sometimes I feel hurt when Joy talks about her "real mom." Sometimes it hurts when she feels more comfortable calling me "Jennifer" than "mom." Sometimes I cry when I think about her past. Sometimes I am scared when I think of all she has to overcome.

I wish I could have been her mother from the day she was born (and in some mystical way, I feel like I have been). I wish I could have held her, fed her, and bathed her as an infant. I wish I would have been the one to drop her off for her very first day of school. I wish I had taught her to ride a bike and write her name. I wish I had pictures for every milestone and the memories that go with them.

But I don't.

What I do have, however, is nine months full of wonderful memories. I have rocked her to sleep in my arms like a baby. I have brushed, braided, and curled her hair many times. I have giggled with her. I have played games with her. I have cried with her and held her while she cried. I have watched her dance and sing. I have seen her transform from an insecure, timid child into a social butterfly.

I have memories and we are making memories every day.

So why adopt?

I'm telling you, if you could hold her in your arms at night and hear her whisper "I love you," you would too.

(The picture is of my feet and Joy's feet. She and her friends just painted my toenails).

Bedtime Prayer

2009-09-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

Every night we do the standard "tuck and pray" that I'm sure is a tradition in many homes.

Sometimes we all pray, sometimes Russell or I pray, and sometimes Joy prays.

Her prayers are so precious. Sometimes they make me laugh (on the inside, of course).

"Dear God,

Please help daddy have a good day at work tomorrow. Please be with me at school. And please...(awkward pause...what does mom do all day?)... help mommy to clean the house and dress inapproriately.

Amen."

Going Green for Frugal Friday

2009-09-04T11:11:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you, but I like doing earthy things. So when we moved into our house, I just knew I had to have a compost pile. I had seen my grandma put her scraps in the compost and thought it was so cool how the food turned into dirt.

Then someone told that happens because of worms.

After a little deliberation, I decided to go ahead with it. I just pretend the worms aren't there.

I'm not an expert on composting by any means, but it's pretty easy. We take the scraps from our fruits and veggies, as wells as eggshells, and put them in the pile with yard clippings and leaves. And voila! It magically turns to dirt (again, please don't mention the worms. They give me the creeps).

I love doing this for several reasons. One, it's just pretty cool to watch nature do its work. It also feels good to be doing something with the scraps from the food that I paid good money for. I don't have to throw them in the trash anymore! Finally, our compost is going to be awesome for our veggie garden next spring. Our soil will be full of nutrients (for free, mind you)!!

Another greenie thing we've been doing around here is cutting back on the number of cleaners we buy and use. I get tired of having a bottle of cleaner for each room of the house. So now we have two kinds of cleaner, Mrs. Meyer's all purpose cleaner (lavender scent...yummy!) and vinegar mixed with water (not so yummy...but good on glass and safe for eating surfaces).

The Mrs. Meyer's cleaner is concentrated, so I paid about $8.00 for the bottle, but it is going to last for a very long time. And vinegar is just plain cheap.

Oh, one more thing about being earthy. We have a lovely pear tree in our back yard. It had all kinds of beautiful pears on it in July. We went on vacation and came back and there was not a single pear left on the tree. The squirrels got every last one. Have any of you had this problem? What do you do about squirrel thieves?

For more Frugal Friday tips, check out http://www.lifeasmom.com/

Not Their Fault

2009-09-03T06:05:00.000-07:00

Kids in foster care have a bad reputation.

And can I please just say it's not their fault.

You see it on the news..."So and so was found locked in a closet. She is severly malnourished and can't talk even though she's 10 years old. She was found wearing dirty diapers." etc. etc.

They aren't all like that, people.

And even if they are, it's not their fault.

When we were preparing to become foster parents we heard so many horror stories. They have to tell you the horror stories just in case.

Some of these kids are severly, severly challenged. All are wounded.

You would be wounded too. They have all suffered abuse of some kind. They have all been removed from the only home they've ever known. Most of them have been shuffled from foster home to foster home. In fact, we were our daughter's 3rd foster home in the course of six months.

So, yeah, they have issues. They have problems attaching to adults. A lot of the time they have trouble in school. Sometimes the issues are more severe.

I don't know for sure though, but I think all kids have issues. It seems as though I remember some kids that came from stable, essentially normal backgrounds that had trouble in school. I've seen kids from stable homes have bad tempers. I've also seen kids from good homes overeat (this is one thing that many foster kids do...if you haven't had a lot of food, you take as much as you can get, when you can get it.)

It's not their fault. They didn't choose to be abused. They didn't choose to be put into foster care. They didn't choose to go live with someone they didn't know.

They need love. Some of them (I'd venture to say a lot or even most of them), like our daughter, are essentially normal kids who've been through hell and back. She's recovering. She's attaching.

She knows she's loved and that makes all the difference in the world.

It's not going to be an easy road for her. We know that. We can't determine how she will end up in adulthood. But we can love her now and pray for the cycle to be broken in her life.

Precious Moments

2009-09-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

For more worldess Wednesday posts, check out http://www.wordlesswednesday.com/

The call

2009-09-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

I got the call two days ago. It didn't go as I had planned.

In March, a woman told me about the baby she was carrying in her womb. There was a possibility we might get to adopt this child.

She said she didn't think he was going to make it. She didn't really have any reason to think that (and if she did, she sure didn't tell me about it). She hadn't really had any complications to speak of.

She didn't know it, but I prayed. I prayed for his body, for his organs. I prayed, begging God for his life.

I got the call. He was born. He didn't make it.

I believe in a good God. I believe in a loving God.

People suffer. People die.

It's hard to make sense of it all.

I got the call, but I didn't hear what I thought I would hear.

Lizard Love and Things Moms Should Know

2009-09-01T08:50:00.001-07:00

I've come to find out that there are things moms are just supposed to know.

My little Joy loves critters. I encourage her in this love. "Just pick it up. It won't hurt. No, lizards don't have teeth. You can do it!!" (Now let's get real honest for just two seconds. I do NOT do critters. I think lizards are cute. But I have no desire to hold one or cuddle one or talk babytalk to one. No, siree. Not me. But don't tell Joy that. Her ignorance is my critter-less bliss).

So the other day she caught a lizard. She was scared so she held him by the tail. Upside down. I encouraged her to hold him right side up. She did.

I left the two of them alone for some bonding time.

She came in a few minutes later with an accusatory look on her face.

"I thought you said lizards don't have teeth."

Uh-oh. They have teeth? How was I supposed to know that?

"Oh, well, uh, maybe they do. Why? Did you see them?"

"No. It bit me."

"Where?!"

"On the nose."

I guess that's what happens when you get too cozy with a lizard.

Apparently lizards have teeth. Sharp ones, according to my little one (which explains their ability to eat bugs...okay, maybe I didn't think this one all the way through).

Is that one of the things moms are just supposed to know?

Never Easy, Always Worth It

2009-09-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

People must think I'm crazy. They must.

In fact, if I wasn't me and someone else was me and I was looking at me I would think I was crazy.

I'm 23 and have been married for just a little under three years.

And we have an eight, almost nine, year old. By choice.

Yep. We had an extra bedroom and a heart for kids and knew that there were thousands of children in foster homes (unfortunately, some in terrible foster homes) and we knew what we had to do.

So we have a daughter. We've had her for almost nine months. And let me tell you one thing.

I wouldn't change one single itty bitty thing.

She is our Joy. She is a beautiful gift.

So you can think I'm crazy. Like I said, I would think I was crazy too. But if crazy means getting to live this amazingly wonderful life with an amazingly wonderful man and an amazingly precious child, I'll take crazy over normal any day.